Coffee With E
Welcome to Coffee with E—where great conversations meet inspiration! ☕✨
This podcast is for dreamers, go-getters, and those on a journey of self-growth. Whether you’re building a business, navigating relationships, or working on your mindset, you’ll find motivation, wisdom, and real-life stories to help you level up.
Each week, we dive into topics like self-worth, mental well-being, wealth-building, leadership, and entrepreneurship—always with a mix of honesty, luxury, and a little fun. If you love deep conversations, personal growth, and a good cup of coffee, this is the podcast for you!
Join me, Erica Rawls, and my guests as we keep it real, inspire action, and remind you that anything is possible if you’re willing to do the work. Subscribe now and let’s dream big together! ☕✨
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Coffee With E
Soft Life, Smart Choices | Coffee with E Brunch Series Pt. 2
☕ Live from Coda Rouge, the Coffee with E Brunch Series returns with a candid Part 2 on love, money, and partnership. We unpack independence and submission, what real provision looks like, and why financial wholeness is both emotional and practical.
From luxury gifts to paid mortgages, from fear-based dating to standards with clarity, from diagnoses to superpowers. This is a masterclass in choosing wisely.
✨ Takeaway. Standards protect your peace. Financial wholeness fuels your future. Love lightens the load.
🎙️ You’ll Hear:
• What “let him lead” looks like in real life
• Provision vs flash, and choosing stability
• Survival number vs freedom number
• Scarcity, mindset, and scaling responsibly
• Parenting with grace. Turning a diagnosis into a superpower
• Collaboration over competition among women in business
🙏 Special thanks to Coda Rouge for hosting our first brunch installation.
⸻
🔗 Sponsored by:
TOCH Construction • Allstate Insurance – Rob Shaw
Chavis Law Firm • Dirty Dog Hauling
💼 Powered by The Erica Rawls Team
#CoffeeWithE #EricaRawlsTeam #WomenInLeadership #NonprofitWork #BoundariesMatter #SoftLife #FinancialWholeness #WomenAndMoney #DatingAfter40 #CollaborationOverCompetition
Follow Us for More Inspiration:
📸 Instagram: @erica.rawls
🎥 YouTube: Erica Rawls
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I'm in this season where my happiness, my boundaries, and my relationship with God are the utmost important to me. Like you make like the choice is yours, but so what's the consequence? In order to get a husband, this is what you need to do. What do you think about this? How do we, you know, how do we want to raise him and what does that look like?
SPEAKER_02:I'm gonna challenge all of us at this table to stop holding on to our issues or our challenges or just the burdens that we carry. Because more than likely, you're going through the same thing someone else is going through.
SPEAKER_03:Independent woman, it's a syndrome at being raised by a single mom. And even my grandmother who was married but still operating with a single woman's mentality and instilling that, and then we get with someone, it's like, oh now I gotta let you leave. It's the let you, because you said that too. Like that let you leave.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And I'm like, okay, I could I could fall back. And it is difficult to do because you always want the plan B. Yeah. Like if you go, what am I gonna do?
SPEAKER_06:Right.
SPEAKER_03:Um and I could even recently, like things have got so bad at my job, I just wanted to quit so bad.
SPEAKER_00:And um, I just wanted to quit. And my husband kept saying, Quit. And I'm like, and do what? Like he's like, You're good, just quit. Cause I just don't want to see you in the thick. It's miserable. Yeah. I just want you to quit.
SPEAKER_03:And I was like, but I can't, because my mindset was I didn't want to be solely responsible and reliant on Yen. Right. For everything. Yes, yeah. He can get that.
SPEAKER_01:I see that part.
SPEAKER_03:He just stabbed me daily to the point where he was like, Don't even come home talking about it anymore. Because I gave you an alley. He didn't want to take you. He called me.
SPEAKER_00:But see, I think it's funny. Yeah, that that racks.
SPEAKER_03:Well, the goal is to have a man like yours. Right. Because that's where I'm struggling at now, is as far as getting into a relationship. Because at this point, I'm about to be 44 in October. Up if you would have told me 20 years ago, I've I thought I would have been married. Yeah, there you go. However, um, my experiences with you know relationships.
SPEAKER_06:Um my experiences with relationships have been trying.
SPEAKER_03:Like I I asked a lot of questions in the first date, and now I feel like, and this is no shade to anyone, however, this has been my experiences with the guys that I'm dealt with in my past, which has only been about three or four people, but they have mom issues. And that ultimately result into being done wrong because of so I feel like I have to ask going forward, like what type of relationship do you have with your mother? Because that makes a difference in how you know you interact it. You you interact with me.
SPEAKER_02:Um so instead of asking, why don't you just observe? Go to the station.
SPEAKER_03:Just come with the representatives. So it's kind of like you don't know until you know. We're not outside, so you don't know.
SPEAKER_01:So I'm thinking, so how long? The one, yeah, no. 22 or 82. No, girl. No, seven. Them girls is grown. I ain't trying to. No, no. Together for like 30 years.
SPEAKER_02:No, so here's so here, okay. So things have not changed. I promise you, they have not, okay? No, no, no, from this perspective. I'll start different. Now hear me out. Hear me out. I may need some backup. I may need some backup. Okay. So try this on precise. Okay. So when you go on a date, they, instead of asking questions, right? Because I'm thinking from a male's perspective, if I was to have a male, if I would have my husband here right now and say, hey, how would you feel on our first date if I came with you with questions? These questions like, what do you think about this? What's your relationship with your mom? What is this? What is that? Those are some heavy questions. And they just want to know if they like you. Literally like you as a person.
SPEAKER_03:Right? My main questions are kind of like, are you single? Are you married? Is there anybody that thinks that they're girlfriend?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yes. Are you on the T app? Right. Are you on the T app? Yes, that's 2025. Right now. Here's a good example. I asked the question. The question I asked.
SPEAKER_03:I said, is there anybody, have you ever had your windows busted out?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Right?
SPEAKER_01:You may ask me that on the first date. I mean, I've been asking fairly early. Fairly early.
SPEAKER_03:Because for me, I want to be the main character. I don't want you having all these other people. So if you're entertaining other people, then I don't want to be a part of you don't even like them, is what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_02:Why can't you just like watch a real house of Atlanta? Like, oh my gosh, did you see such?
SPEAKER_03:Like, I'm the opposite of that and I hate to. Okay, so you're me? I I date everybody.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, yes, date everyone. All of the people who have. I've never dated more than one of them. There you go. I'm the problem. Yeah. I've never dated everyone. I mean, I'm the problem. She is though.
SPEAKER_03:She is the problem. She is the problem. But she'll be over it. I don't have the energy, the capacity.
SPEAKER_01:She'll be over it.
SPEAKER_03:Zero tolerance. She'd be over. I'm the type of person who could date multiple people because I can't divide my attention as that. I just learning. But now at 43, I'm kind of like, I want to, I think I might want to date all the people because I've never experienced that before. But I've always totally given from my oldest boy's dad at like 14, 13, 14 years old. He was my first boyfriend for 12 years, literally. So I've always devoted my to whoever I'm dealing with because I don't have the capacity to like entertain other people.
SPEAKER_04:But that's in the exclusive relationship. We're talking about when you're meeting people and you're dating, you don't know getting to know people.
SPEAKER_05:I'm gonna know you. Yeah, I don't know you like you meet me.
SPEAKER_02:I'm afraid for the man here, y'all talk.
SPEAKER_03:People that I meet, immediately they want to be in a relationship. It's like, yeah, me, I'm I'm pretty awesome, but you are um it's like it's like the boom box. It's like I like it and I want you.
SPEAKER_01:That's a red flag.
SPEAKER_03:It is a little bit of a red flag. You want to be exclusive. Already? It is. That's a lot. I think that's a red flag. It's nothing to pick me kicking and screaming back in today.
SPEAKER_02:No, it's not, it depends on who the person is.
SPEAKER_03:It depends on who timeout, no time out, no, timeout. It's different for me right now because I've never dated before. So, but I'm also I just got to do that. What's the date for you? Define a date. That's the thing. Yeah, define a date. Very different for her and for other people.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Define a date.
SPEAKER_03:Like talking to multiple people, dating, no, dating again on a date.
SPEAKER_02:You said going on a date. Going on a date. For you on the date.
SPEAKER_03:Like going out to eat, the movies, like doing things, like dating.
SPEAKER_05:If Alicia meets someone, yeah, she likes them, and she likes them.
SPEAKER_01:The problem is it's like a problem. I don't feel it's a problem.
SPEAKER_05:It's not a problem with me.
SPEAKER_03:The problem is, it's not a problem. But I didn't even, what am I about to say? It's like it. But you just know it's not a problem. The problem is, when Alicia is dating, supposed to be dating, she wants to be good. That's her boyfriend. It's a man.
SPEAKER_00:And she be closer than somebody else.
SPEAKER_02:There's nothing wrong with that.
SPEAKER_01:So there's something that you're saying.
SPEAKER_03:I want the same from the person, and I'm gonna you believe that.
SPEAKER_01:Right. But I'm gonna do it.
SPEAKER_03:It's like we're a thing, we're doing what are our life plans? Right, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You should try to unlearn that. Because yeah, you give your heart 100% right now.
SPEAKER_03:From day one.
SPEAKER_02:That's scary.
SPEAKER_03:You've got to work with Jack. As a hopeless romantic, that is hard. It's hard. I'm a hopeless romantic. Denise tells you, like, I'll be like, oh my God. Like, oh my girl. We'll have the same, we have the same favorite Bible scripture. We go together. And I'm like, no, look, girl. I'm like, no, look, girl. Because it's his because his birthday, like, look, his birthday's in five months. So this is what I'm going to do. And Denise will be like, alright, girl, whatever.
SPEAKER_01:Whatever that's it. Right. So sometimes she'll play, she'll placate my feelings where she's just like in it with me.
SPEAKER_03:And then it's like, because I'm the type of person, I'm the type of person that I'm in it the whole way until I'm not. It's like a light switch. Yeah, it's like a light switch. Like I'm in it, and I'm in it even way longer than I have to be.
SPEAKER_01:But when I'm done, it's like, oh, look, a squirrel.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Like I'm done. When I'm checked out, it's like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore. That sounds like I'll just put the ball down and walk away. Yeah. But she she ride with me. Like, I'm like, girl, this is what I'm going to do. And I'm going to paint. I'm going to get a skywriter. I'm going to do all of these things. And she's like, Yasper, I found a skywriter.
SPEAKER_06:Look.
SPEAKER_01:But that's something. Right.
SPEAKER_03:That's something we can fly the plane. Right. It's something that I'm unlearning. And so for the first time, I am like talking to more than one person. And I am going on dates before everyone person. I thought that was gonna be anybody, but I ain't dare me to answer. He just hearing that.
unknown:What?
SPEAKER_03:Oh.
SPEAKER_01:I've never lied. I'm not talking to anybody, but I think that's a good one.
SPEAKER_02:But yeah, here's the answer.
SPEAKER_03:Everybody just leave me alone. I have been doing research to see if I am what is it? Asexual? Asexual. I think I'm growing to be asexual. I just kind of work. Really? Yo, I just recently define asexual. Like not attracted, not romantically attracted to anyone. Okay. Everybody. Oh wow. So I just within the last week, I just stopped wearing a fake wedding set. Great. Just so people would. She would use it as a deterrent. Really? Oh my god. We are like soul sisters. Because nobody listens to me. So they in like relational settings. Like I want to talk about like housing and homelessness. And like that's what like jazzes me. And if you're trying to talk to me, I'm like, oh man. Like, leave me alone.
SPEAKER_02:Well, that part is annoying. When you're going to work professional and they're trying to make it about something else.
SPEAKER_01:But not all the time.
SPEAKER_04:That's why I don't want to talk about like romance and feelers ever. Like okay. So if we meet personally or professionally and with a unmarried, then maybe you just won't.
SPEAKER_03:Or may attract away more. Exactly. Then if you do try to get on me, then I can gaslight you and be like, how dare you? I am heavily married. We've been together since we were eight. We met by the like on the monkey bars. Go away. So people were just saying, you gotta stop doing that. I think you're blessing.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, ring on that finger. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03:That is my blessing. Leave me alone. And I think for me, I I find when people try to, so there are men who will contact me under the guise of like business, and that's the overlay. That's the overlay. Like, oh, I have a question about marketing. Oh, and I seen that you said such and such on Facebook, so that means you're single. And I'm like, that was weird. So did you call about marketing, or did you call because I asked somebody to hang my TV up, and that's how you knew that I wasn't with the person I was with? That happened, yes. That was strange.
SPEAKER_01:That was it yesterday. You know? So they was quick.
SPEAKER_03:They did that to me coming to the venue to see it for and it was the overlap. And I was like, I thought I was ready to start like day, and then I found out in that setting. I I wasn't. As soon as he tried to talk to me, I was just like, it has to be a good one.
SPEAKER_01:Like it's a shit. It's my baby shower.
SPEAKER_03:I feel like very interesting because uh somebody was like, Oh, good for you not letting no grass grow under your feet. And I'm like, baby, it was shady. And I was like, Oh, baby, this is a distraction. What do you mean I'm disassociating? Like, I don't have time to be sad about that over there. If I have this cute guy telling me that I look awesome, so I'm gonna go over here where they tell me I look awesome at.
SPEAKER_02:You know, we gotta rely on here. So what are we saying? What are we saying to the women here? Yes, this relationship pro, right. Trishon the cabbage talk relationship man.
SPEAKER_05:You're not too far off.
SPEAKER_02:I know, but I need to interview somebody. So you're like, I can't be copying into you, but right in relationship pro.
SPEAKER_00:Talking to me about not stepping into something until you're ready to step into it.
SPEAKER_02:Like if you're not ready, you're not there. What about asking the hard questions on the first date? I like to talk, so the questions are just they're natural, huh?
SPEAKER_00:The neutral. I'm in my demeanor. I'm inquisitive, so I don't know if it would be what's your relationship with your mama. I would I would know if I disguise it.
SPEAKER_03:What do you do for Thanksgiving? How do you normally spend Thanksgiving? Like I crabbed disguise it a different type of way and then start reading between the lines by interrogation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So well, full out. But I get it, and I I do empathize because I feel like at this point in your life, women don't have time for games.
SPEAKER_03:I don't at all. Like, what are you presenting? What are you bringing to the table? And then where do we go from here? Because if this is not something that you want, and I think Rock Hell spoke to that before getting the marriage.
SPEAKER_02:If I have something that you want, please point back to Hinge, go back to the website to look for. I'm concerned because you know the app names. Oh, me? Yeah. I have I have a 25. She got daughters.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. It's her research.
SPEAKER_00:It's her research. She said, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I have to talk. I have to talk about that conversation today about, well, yesterday, about whether or not she feels as though her father said this name that's too high.
SPEAKER_02:That's why. My daughters. My daughters are the same way.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, her. Just ruined it for ornamental earth.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. And that's hard. It is hard.
SPEAKER_03:And I think for me, I just find that, like, and I was born without patience anyway. Like, I have no patience. Some people can't hear, some people can't see. I have no patience. And so there was a guy, and he's like asking me questions, and he's like, Oh, so why did your last relationship end? And I said, look at you concerned about somebody else. And then he blocked me. So and then he blocked me.
SPEAKER_01:I was like, I thought we weren't here to talk about other people. Like, why are you asking me about somebody else?
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:But that was a I think that may have been his way to try to figure out what your red flags are.
SPEAKER_02:What my red flags are. I mean, but she just cut them off at the ankles. I did.
SPEAKER_03:But that's my patience because I pushed them over. I did. And ran them over with my car. Both ways. Why? Yeah. Ew. Why are you asking me about somebody else? Like everything gives me the ick. Like it's like very, very small things. And I'm like, ew. Listen, that patience for men. You know what you want. I do know what I want. It's too easy. Patches for men who are like, I'm tired of I want to live a soft life at some point. I'm tired of being divine soft life. Because it's kind of like I like I said, I've been a single mom since I was 19. I moved out of my parents' house at that age, got my own apartment. I've been living on my own ever since. So even with my older two boys' dad, when he was in the picture, I could never fully depend on him to take care of the household. So anywhere we lived, I had to make sure I could take care of everything. And that's just been the case all my life at this point. So when I'm getting into a relationship with someone like my last relationship, my expectation of a man is like, especially if you had your own place, like I'm not asking you to come in and take care of all my bills, but my expectation of you is to especially for a man who wants a submissive woman. What am I submitting to? I had to ask that question. That's a whole other episode.
SPEAKER_02:That is another episode. Oh go ahead, jump in.
SPEAKER_01:Because I have fought with the other thing.
SPEAKER_03:But it was a very question. It's pretty much like if you're not coming in, and not that he wasn't doing anything. However, my expectation of a man is like, you know, a mortgage has to be paid, utilities have to be paid, groceries. So I work. I work a lot. I have a full-time job. And I also, you know, have three businesses that I'm responsible for. But I do all the other phase. I take care of the household. I cook. I clean. I take care of the kids. I do. So you work and I work. So what's the difference between like what you do and what I do that I'm responsible for like taking care of everything? And I want a man who is mature in that area to know, like, listen, this shouldn't all have to fall on you. Right. And at the end of the day, that's basically what I'm trying to say. And I haven't come across that type of thing.
SPEAKER_01:But I agree.
SPEAKER_03:Say that.
SPEAKER_01:To be honest. I want to be strong. I want it. Listen. But what if he doesn't come in a package that you want? That's the part. What if he doesn't come in a package that you want?
SPEAKER_03:It's possible. Because to be honest, I want a Christian.
SPEAKER_01:I have a cold header eye. We're a Christian gangster. Like literally. KB. I want you to be a Christian man. I want the gold prince that goes to church on Sunday. However, the Bible scripture is a good idea.
SPEAKER_03:I also want you to know how to take care of responsibilities and pay bills and take care of hotfolding, those, all those things. If someone came in at this point in my life who was like fully like, this is I've seen this um a long time ago. Take care of the person you don't have to take care of. I want a man who knows he don't have to take care of me because I enjoys it. Yes, absolutely. I don't want you just so an experience that I had my last relationship was my ex got had a couple dollars. He thought buying me a king brand bag was the flex. And I said, you could have used that money to pay my mortgage.
SPEAKER_01:That's a flex for me.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. I want my bills paid. I don't need no bag.
SPEAKER_01:Did you say thank you to Olive? I did. She said thank you. She said thank you. You know how many bills I could have paid? But you're at a different where you're talking about it.
SPEAKER_03:But that's also evidence you're at a different stage in your life. Because at one point it's like, oh, I remember being like ridiculously excited when the man took me to the Louis Vuitton store. Like And I'm not that I have a problem with nice things. I look good in a Walmart outfit. It's just how you put it on. But at the end of the day, I've communicated that. Give me that money to pay this mortgage. I don't need the bag. So if that's and it's like, did you get an idea of me that I was materialistic? Is what I was trying to because I've said this multiple times. Like, I would rather this whole family look at the same thing. Well, we well, I will say, I will say. Not saying in his defense. However, I would say if he was just looking at like your upkeep and your maintenance of who you are as a person and how you dress and the things that you wear and the things that you like, he may have said, Oh, this is this is on par for her. I'm gonna get this for her because this is what I know that she that she likes. And and a more emotionally intelligent thing to do, he could have said, Hey, I would like to do this. However, is there anything else that you need right now? Right. That would have been that was a communication. Like I'm not your reference. I'd rather the household responsibility to be taken care of. I want to buy me a bag. I mean, if that's possible, yes, miss. Yes, yes. That's my soft life. I want someone to bring the designer bag with the mortgage payment.
SPEAKER_06:There it is.
SPEAKER_03:There it is. There it is. I want both.
SPEAKER_01:It's both. Both of them. Both of them.
SPEAKER_03:I can do both.
SPEAKER_05:Okay. Both. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:I love you this much.
SPEAKER_01:I love you. Yeah, I want both. I can't. Yeah, I'm not communicating. And why can't I? But I do too.
SPEAKER_03:However, if the options is one or the other, pay my bills.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, y'all. But here's the thing. So everyone at this table are strong, independent business women, go-getters. Y'all are hard. Yeah, really. I know. Yeah. I know I'm hard. I know that I'm hard. Because you just said yourself that you hustle. You have a natural instinct to hustle. You could do it on your own. You know how to make money. You know how to buy the house. You know how to buy the car. You can buy your own bags, your own shoes. So for someone to come in, you have to be a strong, confident man willing to hear you say, no, we're not doing it this way without being offended. Y'all asking a lot.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And I think to that point. 100%. And I can say that I don't throw in and I'll stereol in that mix of feelings. Well, I guess.
SPEAKER_02:Krista, I'm okay with that. I can speak freely about that because I am that person. So you're looking for the man that's going to tell you no, that's going to give you butterflies.
SPEAKER_03:But I would say, in the words of my favorite Jill Scott, if he can tell me what to do, he can tell me what to do. But if he can't tell me what to do, he can't tell me what to do. You know? And I think that what resonated with me so much is when Krista said it and when Trishonda said it, I let him lead. You know, I had trouble with letting him lead. And you said, I let him lead. You know, and that is like a like a let them, because we'll fight that, like submission. We're gonna fight it to the death. Like I have to let you come into a position where I let you lead me. And where are we going? Are we going off a cliff? Cause that's the hyperindependence, so that's the part that I'm afraid about.
SPEAKER_04:That you ain't where you feel like, okay, I've relinquished to you, and then it doesn't work out.
SPEAKER_03:It's almost like I would never do that again. That's why I don't do that.
SPEAKER_02:But let's chill is the word shit. Submission, all it is is respect.
SPEAKER_01:That's all it is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_03:From what I got from the then. Well, I think to me, it was a couple almost like, why don't you just do what I no?
SPEAKER_02:It's risky back.
SPEAKER_00:It's like, it can't be do what I tell you, no, as it can't be that type of thing, is come to the table with hey, this is what I think is best for us. But I'll be completely honest, I'm not the money girl. Don't don't ask me to if you give me a thousand dollars, I'm probably gonna spend eight hundred and come back with two. We'll drink off.
SPEAKER_05:That's good.
SPEAKER_00:That's not responsible to lead a house. Yeah. So the hardest thing for me was pulling back and allowing him. Allow it, setting, respecting him enough to take give him responsibility of the overall. And by the grace of God, my lights are never off. My phone works, like everything.
SPEAKER_03:That's a good man's savannah.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, he is.
SPEAKER_06:He's a good man. He's a good man Savannah.
SPEAKER_03:And I and as time went on, and that was the norm, you know, and not saying that initially, especially fresh out of college with a newborn, we he had some struggles, but he would come and say, Hey, no eating out this month, we have to do this to take care of it.
SPEAKER_00:See, that's okay. And that's the conversation. So aft over time, he built the trust. So I don't even it was uh a joke because uh in my group chat, my friend said, Hey, do the mortgage trick on Julius when everybody was saying, I'm not paying the mortgage this month. And I hid the camera and I was like, Hey, babe, I'm I I I'm not gonna be able to pay the mortgage this month. He was like, You'll never, what are you what are you talking about? Like it was so foreign to him for me to even say it, and then I had to explain it to him, but in that I didn't understand the privilege that I had that is a privilege from him, but it's that respect that's earned because I never key into the house and think that there's gonna be a forefoldure sign right now.
SPEAKER_03:That's a ridiculous level of security, yeah. And that's the mature delivery in him. It's compared to somebody who says, Well, you didn't ask.
SPEAKER_06:Right.
SPEAKER_03:And it's kind of like that's where I struggle with that. It's like you're grown. How do you think the household runs? Like bills get paid every month. The mortgage is pay every month. Why do I have to ask you? You're a grown man. Like my response is just like, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I had to take two seconds to interrupt this episode. I would like to thank one of our most recent guests, attorney Jenny Chavis, for sponsoring this show. Chavis Law Firm is an elite law firm in central Pennsylvania that helps with estate planning as well as understanding what type of business entity you should enter into when starting your business. If you're looking for a great attorney that understands estate planning as well as business entity, how to start the right way, you want to check out attorney Chavis, Chavis Law Firm. Now, back to the show.
SPEAKER_03:So for me, it's like I want the person that I don't have to ask in a nutshell. And I think too, it's almost for me, the hyper-independence of it is like I would want to, I'd be asking the questions because, like my grandmother always said, don't go nowhere you can't afford to go by yourself. You know, like don't go nowhere without the money to get back where you came from. Like that type of thing. And so it's like, oh, if the mortgage is$3,000 a month, and I'm like, all right, like, all right, no, I don't want to move here because I can't afford$3,000 a month by myself.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_03:But I got the$1,500 because I got the$1,500.
SPEAKER_01:We can move, we can move to the house, this$1,500 a month. Because if you leave, I got it.
SPEAKER_03:You know, and so I think I have to, that's also something that I'm unlearning. Like, cause that would be like, if you leave, like, what am I what am I gonna be able to do? And I know people who have been in situations where their rent might have been or their mortgage might have been$3,500 a month, and for whatever reason, like their partner passes away or their partner leaves, and it's like and see that's what am I supposed to do? I never want a man to get me accustomed to a lifestyle that I can't I can't maintain on my own. But is that fear-based dating though?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, it is like if you are literally going into a situation with the possibility that like I'm gonna end up on my own, whether it's death or breakup or whatever. You can actually speak that and say that. For me, I'm the queen of self-sabotage, but I am also absolutely remedial when I'm in love. Like I love absolutely blindly, which is why I say the balance in me is why I am equally as guarded on the front end.
SPEAKER_06:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:Like, I don't set standards, I build walls. But it's almost emotional manipulation because I always want to see who's gonna find the wall and comic.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_03:Stop building the wall. Right. No. Because the right person, I got this picture of who the right person is, and he's gonna find the wall.
SPEAKER_01:And that's just that.
SPEAKER_03:Like and and Ronnie does not climb in the wall, like you're not my person. Right. Like the amount of goldless individuals who are scared of gold diggers around here. I don't think my husband did the hairs work. Um here.
SPEAKER_01:I gotta go outside. Okay, you're not far enough away. I have to have a lot of people.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, they may be watching this episode. How about that? Okay, they may just. Coming to your DMs. You need me through my DMs. Right. Never get you through your DMs. I don't respond. You don't respond to DMs?
SPEAKER_03:No. It's like the guy then when you're out and he's like grabbing your arm.
SPEAKER_01:If you don't get off of me, that's what the DMs feel like. I got you.
SPEAKER_02:I want to swim a bit though. So we were talking about um, we talked to a little bit about money, right? And the finer things in life, right? So the community we're building, most women that are following us, they love the finer things in life, right? So I'm going through this thing where I want to train, not train, I'm gonna help and coach and mentor people to become financially whole. Okay. So my question to you all is do you find it a struggle to wait for what matters? Like, are you the person that says, well, I deserve this, even though your bank account may say something otherwise?
SPEAKER_03:I'm I had done that a time or two. I would say, like, there was a time, remember, I used to be like, I'm getting myself something out of every paycheck. And I used to buy, I was crazy cheap because I felt as though I worked for this. All this does not go in the biddles because I need something. I deserve something from that. So I had that. But obviously, we're growing up and maturing and knowing better. I I go without a lot of things that I need most of the time because I have other responsibilities. But do I second guess that sometimes? Absolutely, because there's things that I would like, or like getting my nails done, like that's a thing for me. I've been getting my nails done since I was 15.
SPEAKER_02:So did you not get your nails done knowing that you can save up for um honing a commercial building?
SPEAKER_01:No, she's not gonna do it. No, she's not.
SPEAKER_02:If you knew within a year, the amount of you the amount that you get your nails done for could actually be a down payment for the commercial building of your dream, so you can run the cupcake lady at its highest level. Could you do it? She hear me. No, it's still a building.
SPEAKER_03:Could you do it?
SPEAKER_02:It's a hard note, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I would have to probably get like Kansas and buy and buy the price. So she is that's still a form of getting your nails, but it's cheaper. That's two dollars.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, so she's still making it.
SPEAKER_03:No, I'm not doing a hundred percent.
SPEAKER_02:For your dream building, so you can run the ultimate cupcake and make millions of dollars? You couldn't do that for a year?
SPEAKER_03:Erica, we've answered you five times.
SPEAKER_02:We said no.
SPEAKER_01:She wasn't, she wasn't paying it to the chain. She wasn't paying for the chain. Is that wrong? No, it's not wrong. No, it's just not hard. It's not wrong, it's just not hard. It's like hierarchy of needs.
SPEAKER_03:My nails cost probably$75 to$85 every time I get them done. Which is when I do a five dollar set of nails compared to that. Yes, that's my alternative. I'm not gonna go cold turkey with no nails. Yeah, because Lee Press ones has nine. And once you get a break, they're two dollars with she in. And they're so cute. She got some fly set over there. I would do that at two five dollars for a set of nails compared to eight. What about y'all? What about what about y'all? Me, um You I no, I live, I I live a very YOLO life. Like, because I feel like um television. You only live, you only live once. You only live once. So if I if I see it and I like it, I'm gonna get it. Like it's yeah, and it's and it's hard for me. It's hard, but I do um, I do. Now, if there was something, and I think we talked about this before, like if there's if there is something that I I can say for something. So if there is, I want a property, or I want to go to Bali, or you know, I want a new car, I can put the money away. I cannot spend it because I can assign a name to the dollar. Yes, but if I can't assign a name to the dollar, I'm gonna cash my cart out. I'm gonna see it like yesterday. I saw a bag. I saw it though, right? I just saw the bag. Okay, good. I saw the bag. Hadn't seen, no, it's not. No, I promise you. I promise you it's not on the way. Because me and Robbie, boy Robbie, we were talking about it. And he was like, I know it's 200. And I said, if it was a hundred, I'd cash my cart out. Like, just because in my mind,$100 is like$30 now. So it's like, oh, if it was, if it was a hundred, I can justify it in my mind, like, I got$70 in my Apple Pay. I'm gonna send it also because it just it depends on your financial status. And I can also get the things you want and say that the same time. You're in that financial status. Yes, but I know that if I could say, I could save more if I didn't just cash a card out impulsively. It isn't, it is, it is, it's impossible. I'm a little different.
SPEAKER_04:I don't like material things are not my it doesn't bother. Okay, it doesn't, I could go without it. I eat my wealth.
SPEAKER_03:Food? Just being a hundred percent. We're transparent. I don't want to I don't want heel. I don't want like So you go to California to try out the best? No. Okay, oh no. I do want to fly to Chicago for pizza. It's okay. Maybe fly opposite train because we distinctly Yes, we there.
SPEAKER_04:Um, but no, like I just I'm I'm very very robotic, very monotonous. I'm a workaholic.
SPEAKER_03:Um, I don't have things to show for uh like the money that I make, but also like it it'll never be a bag.
SPEAKER_04:It'll never that like that doesn't do it for me. The only thing like designer bag I ever wanted was the Louis Vuitton Speedy because my cousin Kristen had that when I was young, and she was just the flyest girl I've ever known.
SPEAKER_01:Still flying.
SPEAKER_03:Still, it's the flyest thing on the face and I'm like, it literally just drips fly, effortless speedy, so that's all I ever wanted. Right, and I got it, and it was just like achieved to see it mean something to me, but I don't usually want another bag, and it wasn't about the Believe Vuitton, it wasn't about the speedy, it was like that reverence to like the flyest girl I know.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, that's what it was about. So it's never like material things for me. Okay.
SPEAKER_03:Um, my mom, my sister, and I, we wrote a um a financial workbook called Fiscal Sisters, a Black Girl's Guide to Fiscal Responsibility. I love it. I want to read it. Oh, absolutely. And it's literally just how to keep ourselves, you know, on track every month for money. I know all the things to do.
SPEAKER_02:But you don't do them or you just choose not to, or I don't do them.
SPEAKER_04:Because every time I have made uh an increase in pay, my bills and my space to have more money, more problems. So meet it because it's a it it's a mentality. It's not like you can't budget your way out of poverty. So now that I am 43 and I'm making good money now, uh reason or logic would tell you that like I shouldn't have just it should it should be easy. I could save, I could go to Bali, I could do all of the things. Right. But realistically, I've had a longer amount of time of check-to-check to struggle to hustle than I have of like wealth and six figures. So now the mentality has not caught up to the rate. So what do you mean by budget?
SPEAKER_03:You can't budget your way out of poverty.
SPEAKER_04:So in in my line of of work, it is very, very easy to look at folks who are, you know, unhoused or housing insecure or it is and just say, well, you just need a budget. The state uh minimum wage is$7.25. And what? Fair market rent for a two-bedroom on average on the low end is$1,300,$1,400,$1,500. So somebody making$725 an hour would have to work 140 hours a week in order in order to afford to live a two-bedroom.
SPEAKER_03:And probably not in the best school district.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_03:You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_04:So, like, a budget is not gonna help that person. That's yeah, them assigning a value to each one of those seven dollars and twenty-five cents that they come in, that doesn't help.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_04:So while we're talking, and this is why I had to wear the rape, because I go off one nigga say we're like, you lost me. Um but like though, we're with you. We can't just talk about affordable housing, we have to talk about a livable wage. Yeah, so being financially whole, like money is emotional.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, like financial advisors and bankers, you can't just talk about the money. Correct. You gotta talk about the the emotion.
SPEAKER_02:That's why I call it financial wholeness. People talk about financial aids literacy. No, we need to be financially whole because there's an emotional aspect to the financial well-being of a person.
SPEAKER_04:I don't care what you how literate I am when it comes to money. I know how much groceries cost.
SPEAKER_03:I'm hoarding.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, and then I'm going to 1700 and I'm gonna get the nicest steak dinner that I can because I don't know when this is coming again because does it register to me that a check is coming again in two weeks? I lived my whole life scared and hungry.
SPEAKER_03:That is so I think so. Like for the longest time, there was this fallacy that six figures was a lot of money.
SPEAKER_01:And it's not, you know, you know, people would be like, so-and-so make six figures, you know. But I think the six figures that our parents were making is not just six figures.
SPEAKER_03:They said now, in order to be considered like what is six figures, you have to make$375,000 a year. You know, because and I remember the first time I made six figures, I made$50,000 at work and I made$55,000 in my business when I was working for Techlist. And I was like, Wow, handle money, right? Like, and I and Eric's like, I wasn't even buying, I wasn't, I wasn't buying, it wasn't like I was buying things, I had anything to show over. I was like, Why don't handle money?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, oh, I made$100,000. Yeah. Well, y'all got to kick me off the table, probably throw me in the other room because if you have$100,000, right? Um, one, you have to learn how to be disciplined and live within those, your means. Yeah, it doesn't matter how much money you make, right? Yes, living within your means, because there's this story of a janitor, right? You ever hear the story about the janitor? He left up like millions, multi-million dollars to the schools, to the schools, yeah. Living off of pennies, right? So if he can do it, we all can do it. It's all a matter about waiting for what really matters, right? And just living off the basics. But the problem is, us as a society, one, we're dealing with social media, we want to flex for the gram, and we want to, you know, live the finer things, do the finer things in life, but we're not willing to wait for those finer things. Now, if we do wait for those things, just imagine you can actually do it having peace of mind knowing that, okay, in the event something does happen, I still have money in my savings account. That's fair, right? That's very fair. To uh to make up for it. Like in the event of me losing a job, I have six months of wages in my savings account. In the event that something traumatically happens to me. Well, I have X amount of dollars over here, I have my health benefits, right? But us as entrop entrepreneurs or um independent um proprietors, we have to save up for those in the in case of something happens. So us saving for those incidentals, it makes you wake up with peace of mind knowing that I truly can do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. Oh, yeah, I may not be able to go to Bali this year, but guess what? I could stay home for three months if I want to and still pay my bills. That's living life to its fullest. Even at$100,000. Well, I'm defining well you're$100,000. No, no, no, no, no. Hear me, hear what I'm saying. I'm breaking my question tour. She was saying$100,000, right? You could live a great life on a hundred thousand dollars. That's for that person that would choose to, right? That's not my um living free life number, right? And it's probably not everyone else's freedom number. Yeah, like here's like what's your survival number? Which you okay, I made it. I made it to this number. I'm saying for the person that is making, that's listening to this, making a hundred thousand dollars, um, and they feel as though that's all that they choose to make, they can live an amazing life.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, an amazing life. If you have just your necessities, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:But for us here, if you're willing to forgo your because I would like to get to extra little courtramats and stuff.
SPEAKER_03:Or me, if I didn't have my other things outside of my full-time job, I would elsewhere.
SPEAKER_02:You have a salary of a hundred thousand dollars, right? And you have investments of over here, uh rental property here, rental property there, um, a business like um ownership in this business over here, and you only bring in a salary of a hundred thousand dollars, and yet you're netting five hundred thousand dollars and you're only working for that hundred thousand dollars, all the other things is passive income, right? So we have to start thinking bigger than what you know right what we're doing on a daily basis. How can we live smarter and not farder?
SPEAKER_03:Because you are talking high level. I am, I always do. And it's that's great. Always do.
SPEAKER_04:Be mindful that um dragging people up there with you is going to be harder because anyway, we're talking to lead an audience who are having fish fries to bury people.
SPEAKER_03:Investments is not what I'm thinking about. Right. Okay, that's great. And how do I even start like that? Yeah, how do you start? Like you're a realtor, you're a two-income household that come from you know, two good solid families. Like what if I was raised out hall manor and like the goal was so when I was at the YWCA as the um director of housing, I had three generations of one family in shelter.
SPEAKER_04:And so there was a grandmother telling her adult daughter to get onto the housing list and just get in and just don't do anything to get kids to advertise. That was the retirement plan.
SPEAKER_03:So when you're talking investments and$2,000 and just making sure that we are scaling responsibly and like we might just have to talk about a$10 a month Gerber policy for the kids. Right. And that's where we start and learning the difference between term and whole life. Right. That's where we are at with some of the folks in our families, you know, our colleagues. So just make it sure. Some of the people are in a place where they can't even do that. Correct. I can't afford an additional$75 a month for insurance. Unfortunately, or I'm getting it through my job. And which is like our hidden sense of pay shirt. But it's camera nails. You just say it's$70. Oh, you can. Right. So to make sure that our funeral. Yes. I mean our conversation, I like that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_04:So that it is easy because nails aren't my thing. I can invalidate or trivialize if you are saying like this easy.
SPEAKER_02:I think that's the beauty though. I think the beauty is in the message is going to be received by the person that is for. Right? So the person that is not able to understand it, it's not going to resonate with them. Right. And that's okay. That's what makes um the platforms that we have so beautiful, right? Because you can reach different people by the different messages that you have, and you're going to create the community that you choose to build. Absolutely. Yeah. So I think I think you're hitting a great point. Yep. And um the person that's going to resonate with this is going to be that person that does understand whole life policies, right? Or term life policies.
SPEAKER_03:And nobody acting doesn't want to be able to do the things absolutely have to do. I don't want to go to work every day just to pay bill. Right. But not be able to go get my nails done because that's something that I like to do. Right. But in general, it's just kind of like those. Right. But I don't want to. No, no. I think too, it does go back to your hierarchy of needs. Like, what is the way you were raised and what are the things that are most important to you? And I think we can honestly sometimes, and it's unfortunate, like we can see that, and you probably see it all the time as a teacher, the way that people go off about prong. Like, you didn't have it. Who has it? My mind. You didn't have it, or you don't have it. It's it's it's$3,000 on an Aston Martin and$5,000 on a dress, and$600 on your nails, and$700 on your shoes, on your hair. Yeah. You know, and so it's it's that. But to Denise's, to Denise's point, it's like, but there's a GoFundMe. Right. But you spent$10,000. And and it's interesting because they did a few years ago, they did a um a documentary on prom c on black prom culture, and Stilton was featured because the whole town shut down. Stilton's so serious about prom.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Okay.
SPEAKER_03:So serious about prom.
SPEAKER_00:You know, and I said, no, I love the name, I would love the name of the documentary.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, yeah. Oh, I we could find it. We'll find it for you. But um it was it was so interesting, and I was like, if I ever had to write a dissertation on like prom culture, I think a lot of times for black folks and why they spend so much and why they go off like that, is because that's all you ever promise. Like living in this neighborhood, that's all you ever promise is graduation. Baby, if I can get you to the stage, because they're not making it past the stage, so many of them are not making it past the stage. But if I can get you here, I may not make it to a wedding, but I can make it to prom. You know, your baby shower. I say that about the baby shower.
SPEAKER_02:I mean it's great with y'all, okay.
SPEAKER_03:Because then again, how many people actually make it to be bride? So if I take, I'm definitely gonna be mom, so let me turn my baby shower into my bride moment. Yeah, I'm here for the baby showers if anybody wants to be presenting.
SPEAKER_00:And I'm here for lacation.
SPEAKER_06:Oh, you're like, first birthday party.
SPEAKER_05:I'm not saying this breaks my part.
SPEAKER_00:Who's actually like reaching and educating the people who are making the But they gotta want to listen.
SPEAKER_02:Like they're open to hearing, I should show. But who's holding the conversation? But it's systemic them.
SPEAKER_00:It is very it is very systemic.
SPEAKER_03:I didn't really understand a lot of it until, and I know a lot, there's a lot of opinions about the book, but for me, it was um the dynamics of poverty by this woman named Willie Pain. And in that book, I thought I grew up in poverty, right? By thinking 1980s, South Bronx, burned down buildings, rubble everywhere, big crack epidemic, and then I'm in college and I'm reading her book, and I'm like, whoa, I didn't, I was not as in poverty as you could reading the novel, and yeah, and then seeing some things in there. So, but the conversation with the people on that level, no one's really having that conversation.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. The conversation going to college was my uncle saying, Don't get no credit cards. Yep.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I said, Well, why don't I have one?
SPEAKER_00:Why not?
SPEAKER_03:You don't have a credit card? She doesn't have a credit card. Because I don't trust myself with it. So you know your yeah, you know your imitation. Like, so then everything was an emergency. Right. I'm only supposed right this for emergency. It is self-control, but like Reezy Bowl ticket.
SPEAKER_01:That's an emergency.
SPEAKER_03:That is not an American thing. No, you're right. Don't get a crazy look. And I also rate with the sign with the Dixon.
SPEAKER_04:All I ever wanted was for him to have a relationship with money, then I so I feared money and he controls it, but he's like obsessed with it. Yeah, make money where you're yeah. So now he's going to be a CPA. And it's tied to his OCD diagnosis. So uh his is he got numbers and patterns, he didn't get the good kind. So it's the numbers that matters. So when he, you know, he did 10 days at Leicester Behavioral Health, you know, suicidal ideation and a text, he pops home. And so I'm walking on eggshells, you know, for a while.
SPEAKER_03:And but then I'm, you know, typical black mom. Well, me and you in this depression and this OCD, we got to figure this thing out, right?
SPEAKER_04:So we had to figure out how to dovetail what people call the diagnosis into actual life. So I stopped calling it a diagnosis and I called it a superpower. So what is your superpower? So now he's in his senior ear, you know, born to me, an accountant because the numbers call in.
SPEAKER_03:So that makes sense. He used this tech advantage.
SPEAKER_04:So like just being able to like really change that dynamic for him.
SPEAKER_03:But I was so used to, you know, being creative and like, you know, we would camp out in the living room. Well, the light took off, and that's where all the gate was. You know, like turning a stove on, open the door, the oven is gonna heat the downstairs. Yep, let's build a fort. Yeah, you know, let's light candles, they're gone. Exactly. Right. And so he now at 21 is like, oh my struggle.
SPEAKER_05:Right, right, yeah, a little bit.
SPEAKER_04:But and now it could probably be like funny for dinner. Right. Baby, because I thought that was there.
SPEAKER_03:No, and see, I didn't know. I didn't have a struggle life growing up either. But my parents did struggle financially. I just didn't know that until I became an adult because I didn't miss nothing. Same here. It's nothing to everything we needed, everything we wanted. My dad's is I'm the only girl, and my dad is don't play about me at all. He's still to this day, but my dad does stuff for me because I don't ask. My dad's like, you work hard, we do a lot. My dad will call me up, like, come down here because we're going to uh and he'll tap me. And now he's that type of person who will like be like, I want to buy you a bag today because you work hard, you don't ask nobody for nothing, and I just want to do that for you. And my dad's like that all the time. Now, do I want a me and that's like that? But my dad pays bills. My dad, he's literally the he runs the money in the house. And my mom is fine with that. She's like, I'm not the money person, as long as I got money to get what I need to get, and that's her.
SPEAKER_05:I'm good.
SPEAKER_03:I don't care about not sending the mortgage payment. Right. I don't want to. The electric bill over that. But that's that's kind of what I want in a person as far as it relates to he does stuff, he takes care of his household, but he also wants to make sure his family is good and taking a care of it. Somebody who wants to take stuff off my plate. That's my look. Here, I seen this was on your plate, I want to take it off. Even as speaking of you brought up the mental health aspect, I'm new in that, dealing with that with my youngest son. Woo, honey. Because the first thing you be like, Oh, my child ain't going on no medication. Cause I literally was like that from the door, like no medicine. However, I had to learn that there was a chemical imbalance, and there was no talking that out of him. Yeah. So I'm glad that I followed through with getting him what he needed because he's doing amazing. Because a couple of years ago, Jesus Christ. I was like, You about to be home, sir. It's so hard. Yeah, it was a lot of things. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:It's a lot. We were talking about grief earlier. You know, I have a different relationship with grief as well. So, like, my son was assigned female. So, like, I have been grieving, and that's my only child. So, I've been grieving the loss of my daughter. But it's not a death, right? That actually happened.
SPEAKER_03:So, like, I have to be mindful of like, girl, like, I have he's still best friends, physically lost their child. So, be be mindful of her ass. How's the mountain yeah, right? But like, there is still a space for like, oh, okay, I agree what I thought life was going to get. But then they stress. Yeah. And that that yeah, I don't mind.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it is it is um it's been a journey. I was gonna ask, what was that? How is it? Like, what's that experience for you? Um, what advice would you give a parent that maybe going through the same thing?
SPEAKER_03:Um, I would say, so I um I I used to say to him all the time, I love you always and and always. And a lot of times um something happens in our life that really holds our feet to the fire.
SPEAKER_04:So don't see something that was like, she mean it. Right.
SPEAKER_03:I mean, because I'm sitting here, oh I love my, you know, I love my child, that's my baby, that's my holy baby.
SPEAKER_04:But then when it's at my door, I'm like, oh, okay, all right, yeah, we'll get the finger in this thing out. Um, but like I'm being that thing. Like that's my only child. So uh I have had to uh find spaces where um I I found myself like f thinking for people. Like there were certain people that I knew they're not gonna be okay with this.
SPEAKER_03:I was literally say that because you're fully okay with it. I'm fully like you navigating other people who are not.
SPEAKER_02:Was it a process though to be fully okay with it, or was it something that you accepted right away?
SPEAKER_03:Um, it was a process. Yeah. It was absolutely a process.
SPEAKER_04:Um, it wasn't long, but um, so I never had braces, but a lot of times I compare it to like the first day with braces. It is something foreign in your mouth that you've always had.
SPEAKER_03:So you gotta get your lips. She's so poetic. Yeah, she does. So for a long time I was like, um, you know, to me, TJ, you know, cheat, he, you know, my the my side.
SPEAKER_04:So there was a sh a long stretch before I actually told anybody and we keep, you know, went public.
SPEAKER_03:It was my kid. I always said my kid, my kid, my baby, my I think we met for lunch and you said my kid.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So I was absolutely in that space where it was just like, you know, it's that's my kid. Right. It doesn't matter, you know, what the genetically, biologically, like that's my kid. And everybody's gonna know it.
SPEAKER_04:Right. Um, and so then people just very naturally, oh, but you said your kid is in college and said a boy or girl. And then I would be like, Oh, okay, you know, so but then I mean it just rolls off like I'm obsessed with that chapter.
SPEAKER_03:Um but yeah, give yourself grace. Give yourself grace.
SPEAKER_02:Did you go like it was your fault?
SPEAKER_04:Um, so interestingly enough, there was a time where I did think that it was. Um, so he has never really seen me in a functional adult relationship. So his dad and I broke up, he was really, really young. Uh, and so his dad has been married multiple times. Like he is it he, you know, dates, is in relationships, you know, all of that. Uh, and then on the other side of the structure, and because I was the custodial parent, I've always said I somehow kind of forced his hand at being the man he didn't see. Oh Jesus. And that was hard. That was difficult. But um, you know, it's it's not um how I got away from thinking that it was my fault is there's nothing at all. Right. Correct. Like it it's not a it's not a a sickness. Um if anything, I give him so much credit for stay and fighting through uh he's he's been tortured. I had the luxury of being born in the body that I feel comfortable with. There has been a disconnect just about his entire life that he feels like he was born in the wrong body. I couldn't imagine it, right? You know? Um, and there are constant signs every single day that like my mind and my body don't connect.
SPEAKER_06:Right.
SPEAKER_04:Um, so uh I don't feel like it's my fault because I don't think that it that isn't a big fault.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. But thank you for sharing Sully. Yeah, that was awesome. She don't know TJ.
SPEAKER_03:TJ is the smartest child that I that I ever met. And TJ was like five years old at the subway, like perfectly ordering their food, and was just always the most ridiculously awesome, inquisitive, polite child that I ever, ever, ever, ever met. And I just When they made when they made the discovery, you know, or when they kind of came into their self, I'm like, okay. Alright. Because at the end of the day, whatever you choose to be, or you know, are you the person? You know? And it's like you can be so much more than what you were assigned, or who you're attracted to, or who you decide to sleep with. Are you the person? You want to help change the world? How do you represent God? Like, and I feel like we will all be better off as people in general. We just mind our own damn business when it comes to stuff like that. You know, like it doesn't matter. You know, like even when people get weird about like bathrooms and stuff, and I'm like, every bathroom in in America, in in a in a residence, is unisex. Why are y'all weird about that? Like, why are y'all weird? Y'all are weird. Like if I got to go that enough, I'm running into the first one that another. I heard all the time, you know. So do it all the time. I think you know, we could all do people in general could do better with that and have a little bit more humanity in that space. It was funny because when he was young, so he initially came out, let me know that he was attracted to girls, and I was like, duh, I never.
SPEAKER_02:We knew that.
SPEAKER_04:But then when he started becoming masculine presenting, yeah, people would be like, you know, you can pair a lot of like the leeway. And I would just flip it and be like, you know, like my child is like 13. Like, why are you concerned with the genitalia of a mitre? You sound like the weirdo. Like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you would face out like you're like let's call it what it is what it is. Because why do you care?
SPEAKER_03:Why do you care?
SPEAKER_04:And ultimately, like, whomever he brings home, you're not gonna be good enough.
SPEAKER_03:And I'm about like, oh, period.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_01:Like that's right, that's it. Boy or girl, right? That's it. It don't matter. You know, okay, right. I'm like, there's that.
SPEAKER_03:He was getting on this because we was doing research. He went on a date with some girl, and I'm like, in my little, y'all know I'm a detective. But I'm in there, like, oh, this is her mom. I'm like, look, this is this, this is this. To Denise. Yeah, I'm sending it to Denise in the group chat. I'm like, this is this. Oh, yeah, it looks like she went to this school. Okay, it looks like she might have got um like stopped and pulled over for speed, and before I hope she's not driving. Like, oh, everything.
SPEAKER_04:I'm gonna think everything out and their plans change, and we're going to like the movies and dinner. Their plans change, and he and I have such a close relationship. So we was going back to her house.
SPEAKER_03:So he just sends the address, no contact. So I immediately said, She said with it. So I pulled up back at the house on Zillow.
SPEAKER_05:I shut the We know how much Donald's for everything. One of it.
SPEAKER_03:No, and I was like, did they change her?
SPEAKER_01:I'm like, no.
SPEAKER_02:They're gonna need a leaf over here.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, I mean, my baby does.
SPEAKER_02:That is color.
SPEAKER_03:You have to do all that these days. Literally. Poor thing. He knows that my house is a safe space. I don't know. Exactly. Let's say house is safe. Honey, look, I used to, my dad used to make me so mad because I always wanted to spend the night at somebody's house. And my dad's never allowed to take no person. My mom's on the other hand, she didn't care. But then my dad, my dad said no, I wasn't doing it. Even with family. Like we moved from New York. We would go there, and my dad was like, Don't even ask if you could spend the night at such and such house. Because there's no answer. And I used to be so pissed. And then when I had kids, my kids would start asking, and I would say no too. And then I had a lesson here. Because remember when I lived in Waterford.
SPEAKER_04:Yes.
SPEAKER_03:My middle son had a really close friend. I got pregnant with my youngest, and we moved when I was like maybe seven, eight months pregnant with him. And my middle son was really close with one of his friends that lived in the development we were in. So for a while, he was asking me about spending the night at this boy's house. And I kept saying no. No, no, no. And then I was like, all right. One day I said yes, honey. Well, I did, was it like two weeks after I let him spend the night there? The boy's mom ended up getting murdered. It's the house while her kids were there. This was a whole big thing all over the news a couple years ago. Some years ago. They were still young. They were probably like in middle school when this happened. And after that, I said, don't ever in your life. You're already done. Yeah. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever. And I'm like, that didn't ask somebody about the next had that been two weeks prior, right? My kid could have been there with us in Trends Line. I was like, never again.
SPEAKER_02:Oh my goodness. Okay, we're gonna end it with this. So we're all bus women in business or in leadership positions, right? So do you find it difficult um to work with other women? Or what would be some words of encouragement that you would give other women that are looking to work with women that um just to get them over the hump? So from per from personal experience, I found it hard uh initially to work with women, right? Um so then I had to um shift and figure out, okay, so why is it so difficult to work with women? And the reason is because women are given a lot of um opportunities, right? So there's a lot of scarcity mindset when it comes to women in business, right? So you're working together, the fear of not being on that same level or being left behind, it does exist. So once I was able to open up and realize that I was like, oh, okay, yeah. So it's just um making sure that you give words of positive um affirmations to them and say, hey, we're in this together, that I was able to overcome that hurdle. So I'm just curious to know your experiences when it comes to working with women or women in leadership, and what would be some advice that you would give to our community?
SPEAKER_03:I would say use your discernment, but you know, um really try to focus on like don't lose sight of the program. Because if nothing is bigger, like nothing is bigger than the program. So nothing is bigger than the end goal, nothing is bigger than what you're trying to accomplish together. Personalities may clash, lifestyles may clash, but if you're both working together, or however many women it is working together towards a common goal, like you'll be effective. Yep, and keep that at the forefront. Or Sabia and composition because I think that's my what is that about?
SPEAKER_02:So finding the right people that understand, they don't say collaboration, but they truly mean it. Absolutely. Correct.
SPEAKER_03:I mean, it's other people out here that make other than me. Um, I don't feel like my product is someone else's product. You know the difference. However, I don't have a problem like being in a space or work other event planners or what have you. Um, but I did learn that's why we kind of started the My Sister's Keeper thing a couple of years ago, because it was a matter of in this area, me, I'm not from Harrisburg, but I learned here that like only one person could do a thing. And because the city is that Madonna and Denise and Krista, because you're from here too, right?
SPEAKER_01:Krista's from Philly. She was gonna say that. And I knew it was a little bit of a little bit of a little and I moved here. But my family is from here.
SPEAKER_03:No one wants to own it, unfortunately, and that's why we started the My Sister's Keeper thing, because we wanted to like foster the collaboration over competition. We're more powerful together than apart. So I I love the fact that there's other bakers and other event planners. Like, I do my own thing. I feel like I'm in my own lane. I don't really worry about what other people are doing. Like, oh, she's doing that, and that looks like like that's working for her. So I she try it. I stay within my lane of what I like and what I'm comfortable in. Um, especially when it comes to uh baking. There's like so many other things that I could do, and I'm also very mindful of what other people do.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, she will she will definitely put these boundaries on herself, yeah, because blah blah over here is doing that. So I don't know why to do that.
SPEAKER_03:And it's like because I had a bet well experiences where people who were actually even my friends fell off because of where I but we're not even in the same lane with what we do. However, I can do what you're doing and probably better than you. However, I'm not trying to step on your toes. So I will intentionally not make a thing because I know that's what you do, and I don't want it to make it seem like I'm trying to come and take over your lane, but I have the skill to do it. However, I just don't want that. I I've always been like this with females. I used to hang out with guys a lot growing up because I just can't remember it's never my thing. Like she's all the friends. She does have all the friends. I realize she was literally the only girl that I was always with all the time. I always hung out with guys because I can't do catty female and all my other friends. Wow. What about you, friend?
SPEAKER_01:Well, well, her friends are not mine.
SPEAKER_03:We're on camera.
SPEAKER_02:Wow. And we're not editing that.
SPEAKER_06:Take it out, please.
SPEAKER_00:They are they know about them. I would say one, identify what you're not good at.
SPEAKER_03:Be okay with that. If you know that this particular thing uh is not your thing, say that. Yeah, like I had to say to someone that deals with the money when I became leader of an organization, hey, you know I'm not the money girl. Yeah, I was honest in that conversation. I just need you to show me some things and teach me some things, which meant humbling myself, right?
SPEAKER_00:Admitting an area that I need to strengthen.
SPEAKER_03:But now that she knows, she's giving me the guidance or that I can be kind of like that, but being okay admitting that, because I think a lot of times, especially women of color, we want to throw this cape on and act like we got it all figured out, and then the business starts crumbling. It's my stole these areas that no, you don't have it figured out. So be okay with handing that expertise off to somebody else that has the expertise. That's person they're holding yourself accountable. That was my fault. My bad. I meant to send the I should have sent the email yesterday, I didn't send it.
SPEAKER_00:And people respect when you do that. I I remember someone had like this big position, and she was supposed to do all the things and get a certain amount of money and it didn't happen. And I watched her stand in a room and tell a bunch of people, like, hey, this is what I was supposed to do, I was not able to do it because of these things that were going on. 50% in the room gave her grace, 50% did it.
SPEAKER_03:And I just remember saying, if 100% in the room gave her the grace, then the following year she would have been able to come back and try to do it 10 times better than before.
SPEAKER_00:So just remembering, hold yourself accountable, admit to yourself, I'm not good in this area, be okay with handing it over to somebody who you know is gonna get the job done, and then also don't keep the petty out of the business. I think a lot of the times we forget to keep the petty out of the business. That benefits no one, not the customers and education, not the students, because you're being petty. Keep the petty, you petty and leadership do not align. No. They we're living it. Yeah. It's a non mind. Yeah. So keep that right apart. He keep that apart because it's not it's not gonna be to the benefit of the business.
SPEAKER_03:And so what she said about the like being in your own lane, that's me. I'm a refer. You come to me at a big respect and I'm like, oh, I don't work with Fondant. Yeah, I don't do this, but I can refer. I'm not that person that's gonna take the the order because I just want the money. And you have one of those, this is what I asked for, and this is what I got. Type your reputation is everything for like crazy. I like, oh yeah, I'm not, and there's times where some people have come to me with stuff where I just kind of was like, oh, I haven't done that yet. And I was able to execute it. However, I do know my limit, I do know my lane, and this like Fonda is not something that I don't like, and I'm not interested in working with, so I'm not gonna experiment on anybody's order. I know someone who makes beautiful cakes using Fonda. Here's their information.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, 100%. Krista, what you got? Leadership. We've said so much.
SPEAKER_03:She is not ready.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, for me, if you jump in, um regrespectfully, I don't have competition. So I gotta get credit to my dad. So my brothers play basketball, one play football as well. And some list had come out, much like the one that just recently came out. Yeah. It had come out and they were both on the list. And so we're all incited in the family or whatever. The next day, we go into the bathroom and the list is cut. The paper is cut, and it is only the person who was before each of them.
SPEAKER_03:What? Taped to the mirror. And what are I what is this? And so my dad explained to both of my brothers, y'all were so busy weren't wondering about who was number one.
SPEAKER_04:You can't get beat him until you beat the person who was right in front of them.
SPEAKER_03:Like that's right above you is who you gotta overtake first. And then you very loud get into number one. So when I say I don't have competition, that's what I mean. I have got to learn the discipline for myself. Like I'm my biggest competition because I procrastinate. I don't, you know, I'm scared, you know, I'm scared of, you know, talk in public, like all of these things.
SPEAKER_04:So like I don't see someone else in the same lane as me as competition because I haven't mastered meat yet.
SPEAKER_03:Like I am the person takes to the mirror, then I have got to overtake and get better than before I would worry about any other executive director, any other area, like uh they're fine. Maybe they are secure in their spot because I haven't gotten better and beat Denise. Yeah, it's a lightning day. And if everybody was that way, it's such a beautiful world.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you're right. Well, that's awesome. It's the beat in Denise. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Because we're our biggest critics. Yes, yeah, it's we are very hard on ourselves. I will talk myself out of anything. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_04:Right. So I'm great. And I was just about to say that. I'm kind of like in that season of just having grace with me. Yeah. Cause like you were saying earlier, there's so much that I feel like I need to do, and I feel like I have not enough time to do everything that I'm trying to accomplish. Right. So it's like we're we're trying to, you know, do so many things and wear so many hats and be um everything to everybody. And then again, we're forgetting about ourselves, and I had to start extending grace to myself. As I'm like, uh, by this age, I thought I was gonna be doing this, and I thought I was gonna have this, that, oh, you know, and then I'm like, then I knock myself down.
SPEAKER_03:But then when I think about it, I'm like, but look where I am, right? Look where I came from. Brag book. A 15-year-old Meyer. Like, you have to share that the brag book. Please share the brand bragg book. She just she just knocked me on my butt the other day about that. So please share that piece because it's so good. Yes, it is so good.
SPEAKER_02:Um, I've intentionally made a book, right, of all the things that I have ever accomplished in my life. So in those moments where I feel like I'm not doing enough, or I didn't get where I needed to go, I can reflect back on that book, right? So then I know that okay, yeah, I am on pace to what I want to do, but also wow, you are the darn thing. You've accomplished so much. And the best part was I started the book when I was working for corporate, okay, and they decided that they wanted to give me a 1% raise. Right? So you it's hard to go back and forth and say, I did this, you did this, I did, you know, no. But if you show them the book, oh, you know what? Back um in April, I was able to save us um 20% on this particular item. So overall, our return on investment was actually this. So net profit is actually this. You can't compete with that.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_02:So, but that was probably the last year I worked in corporate because I'm like, I'm not gonna be working with my behind off and only getting 2%. So, but yeah, that brag book, I think a lot of women they have a hard time justifying with their earnings, right? So if you're in corporate or you know, private sector, all I mean, I truly believe having that brag book. That's the So you can take it with you. Yeah, I mean, even during your evaluation conversation.
SPEAKER_03:Right, in my evaluation conversation with myself, absolutely told me to do it for myself.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, well, I started doing his journaling, journaling about um just me personally, um, stuff with my kids, just everything. Because again, trying to give myself that grace, I'm like, oh my god, that middle son of mine, success be picked every way possible. And in my head, I'm just like if I could have had the life that you had, that you were set up to be successful, he graduated high school with an 800 credit score.
SPEAKER_03:Like, how how does this happen? And then here we are. So I started journaling um so that when I kind of get in that space, I can kind of go back and I'm like, ooh, yeah, I remember that day. Yeah. Cause I cried myself into a nap. Seriously. And I remember that day. I remember that day because I had champagne that day.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:It's a day party. Right.
SPEAKER_06:Right. All day. I had an all-day practice day.
SPEAKER_04:And then I'm like, wow. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:This is where I end today, and to reflect back on where I was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, ten years ago, I'm like, Krista, you're amazing. Right. But I forgot amazing. I will forget that. Yeah. Because I'm here, I'm there, I'm filling in for an employee at a building. I'm showing up at the school, you know, during the day to have cookies with the kids, whatever. You know, I'm just getting pulled in so many different directions. And then when it's time for me, it's like, oh, I'm exhausted. I just want to go to sleep and do nothing and then do an all-over and then exercise. And then weeks go by, you're like, what have I what have I done? I feel like I haven't really been creative. I've been in another space where it's like, where's my creativity? Right. I I haven't been doing anything. I don't have a desire to do anything. I'm trying to figure out like what's next for me. I want to do something that's more impactful and maybe not necessarily for profit.
SPEAKER_04:But I'm being pulled this way, that way. It's trying to find that balance. And um it's it's been a struggle, but journaling has helped me because it does keep me on track of okay, this is what I was saying, this is what I was feeling. I'm not there.
SPEAKER_03:So I am making progress. Even if it's little progress every day.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Something so small as I'm not a warning person. When the alarm goes off, I don't have a problem with getting up. If I had to choose, I would not be getting up that early, though.
SPEAKER_04:But I want to wake up at 6 o'clock in the morning and do my little squat machine every morning. Like I have this light that I have pictured in my head, and I gotta start appreciating the small winds that guess what?
SPEAKER_03:My alarm is set to go up at 6 50, but I woke up at 6 30. Yeah. On your own. On my own before my alarm went off, and I got up and I drank some water without crystal light.
SPEAKER_01:And uh that's hard.
SPEAKER_03:Right. And then I got on my squat machine for only five minutes. I want to do 20 minutes a day, but I did five minutes, and then guess what? I woke my baby up and we started our day. And that's good. That's the stuff I used to take for granted. Yeah, and that's good. Right. It is, it is an accomplishment.
SPEAKER_04:Like we're supposed to give God our first root, right? 10% pay him first. We don't pay ourselves, whether that is monetarily, whether it's our own creativity, our energy. Like we are so conditioned to give ourselves the scraps, if there's any of that. You know, like that's where ain't left over you. But it's like, you know, Fantasia says it about the overflow. Everybody else gets what cores out of the cup. What's in the cup is supposed to be for you. Right. So make sure you are tithing your best to yourself. That's a blessing. And everybody else can get what they get. But trust, when you tell them no, I can't, you they are going to find it. They just you're the furker first. Oh, yes. Because you always say yes. But if you say no, it's going to get done. No finger short.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. So yeah. Hey, I need to take two seconds to interrupt this wonderful show that you're watching. I run a real estate business, and the way we fund this podcast is through that business, the Erica Ross team. I would love it if you would just give us one opportunity to service your real estate needs, whether you are in Central PA or around the entire world. Think of us first so we can help you. Now back to the show. This is a rad y'all. Let them.
SPEAKER_01:That book. Oh, I love that book. No robin.
SPEAKER_03:You sent me that book. Good. Did you read it?
SPEAKER_02:I started. Yes. You gotta read it. That's really good. Yum. We had breakfast, we had lunch. You might be going to dinner. It's correct, too. Oh my gosh. Yeah, this is good stuff. That much in the initial instalment of French with E. Thank you so much. I appreciate you all. You will never be forgotten. You know that, right? You will never be forgotten. Thank you.
SPEAKER_06:Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, y'all. So where's my camera? Which one am I looking at? Right here. Okay. Yeah. So that's a rack. The first brunch with E. I am so overjoyed about the conversation that we had. So this is what I need you to do. I need you to subscribe. I need you to share, and most importantly, I need you to comment because I'm looking forward to seeing you and meeting you in the comments. That's it.
SPEAKER_03:And we finished on time.
